I've never explored where I would be if I didn't have my son. It always felt like a betrayal to imagine a world, my world, without him in it.

Even when I'm at my maximum mom stress capacity, I never let my thoughts explore such a possibility. Aside from the betrayal, it didn't make sense to sit around thinking of the past or a different life when, even if I had the option to take it, I wouldn't trade it anyway!

Still, it's a fear to even think about it. I want to free myself from being afraid by talking about it. I am scared of inviting the possibility of a life without my son in because I'm worried in some way I'll like this supposed made-up version better.

So, today, I explore what path I may have possibly taken if I never got pregnant in the first place.

A Life Where I Wasn't Pregnant

We had just moved to Hawai'i after driving big rigs on the mainland for a year. I was burned out, and I just didn't want to go back, even if the money was good and it was an adventure, and it was super cool!

It wasn't long after moving here we found out I was pregnant, so I didn't get to plan out what my new life living on an island would be like. I just knew I wanted to heal myself holistically.

We had already gotten a car and found a super cheap off-grid cabin in the woods before the news. If there had been no news, we would have started a business. (In fact, we tried to start one, but it was a challenge to invest and take financial risks. We couldn't imagine how we'd keep it up and raise a kid. I didn't believe we could.)

If we weren't expecting, we would have undoubtedly taken the risk. We were skilled enough that we would be able to find jobs and make back the money in no time. We would have started some kind of food business with a delivery option, be it making fresh juices or homemade vegan meals.

We probably would have invested in a food cart in addition to these efforts or as a supplement to them so we could sell at the local markets. We were both foodies with a knack for cooking tasty plant-based meals, so this venture would have been in our area of expertise.

Between work, we would have worked on getting ourselves holistically healthy. We've always been about spiritual, physical, emotional, and mental health. I would have eventually dived into raw veganism and switched to being a raw gourmet chef. I would be taking yoga classes at least 3 times a week, meditated daily, and maintained other health practices.

We would go to the beach often, spent time camping all over the island, and heck, we probably would have decided to walk the entire island for adventure/fun and self-development, too.

We would eventually save enough money to make a big life decision: buy land to grow our own food to sell, or travel with our savings. I believe we would have chosen a land because, at some point, we would have realized we needed to make money in a more sustainable way to either support the farm (or to keep traveling). We'd need to work online as some kind of health or life coach or something in the arts. I imagine we'd find success as far as a life purpose and financially to boot.

All in all, we would have spoken about having a child many times. We would have seasoned our passports, secured savings for a land, and began the journey of having a child.

So now after exploring this childless possibility, the hard question: does this life sound better than the one I have?

Life Imagined vs Life Lived

Yes and no.

Yes, because we could have timed things "perfectly" where we had our adventures, saved up, and then "settled down.”

No, because the thing we've realized is how much more fun it's going to be to do all these things with our son. We got into a relationship to do things together, so it isn't far-fetched that we'd feel this way.

Our son lived the van lifestyle with us, and he was there when we brought our land and started an online business. We were able to do it all with him, and we're stronger for it!

Our son is INCREDIBLE! We're better people for having him exactly when we did. His conception and this life are just as perfectly timed. I'm glad I thought about this imagined life because I've freed myself of the fear of it and found appreciation for the way things are.