Every mother has a few non-negotiables when it comes to having a baby. One of mine? That I'd undoubtedly give birth at home.

The Why

Homebirth was the most natural, comfortable, and safe option for me and my baby. Women have been giving birth at home since the beginning of time, and I wanted to connect to the first woman, my ancestors, and mother nature by choosing homebirth.

I didn't want to deal with the discomfort of modern-day procedures by going to a hospital during one of the most private and life-changing moments of my life. I felt a homebirth was more holistically safe as well. I wanted to feel empowered to make certain now alternative choices without shame or guilt.

The First Few Hours

I was one of those moms whose birth was proceeded by needing to use the toilet. I woke up after an hour of sleep at 11pm knowing something was different. I've never woken up with that feeling before. After I relieved myself, an hour of mild contractions began.

We informed our midwife who lived an hour and a half away. She said to get some sleep and keep her updated. By 6 am the next morning, I was more than sure that I was about to give birth. I felt relief to finally stop expanding in the middle, but I felt wonder about how the heck my body was really going to know what to do like everyone said it would.

The Between

The next few hours were a blend of emotions and thoughts. My contractions grew more painful, and I took as much refugee in between them as I could. But there became a point where there wasn't enough downtime, so I began to lose energy.

I lost all desire to eat. We tried the bathtub, but it seemed to slow down the process rather than help it move along (though I was happy for the relief).

We tried walking and I hated it. When the contractions came, my legs lost most of their standing power. I actually begged to rest!

The most beautiful part was during the moments between the pain, I'd find myself in what felt like a between world. It was as if there was only me and the silence of the universe. This was a place between before birth and life itself. Being in the presence of this place kept me on my feet so long.

I then rested for some time. My contractions were easier to deal with laying down because I slept between them somehow. After resting, I was merely 2-3cm dilated! After all that pain and all this time, that was the result? I couldn't believe it!

My midwife said I could decide if I wanted to go to the hospital and get assisted, or I could keep going. I knew I didn't want the hospital, but I didn't know how long I could withstand more pain. Yet, without thinking how I would, I decided to keep going. We ordered some food according to my mood (I wanted pizza) while I got a massage and I rested more to build up some strength.

Birth

I was laying down when my water broke like a pipe that got yanked. The feeling to push came naturally, uncontrollably even soon after. I tried on my knees but after a few minutes, I instinctively knew I needed to squat.

My primary midwife positioned herself below to catch. My supporting midwife held one of my hands and my husband the other. Oh, their poor hands when I was done! I squeezed them mercilessly as though sharing my birth pains. There were times the pain hand me push up off my feet. I didn't know I was that strong!

Nearly 19.5 hours later, I felt my womb deflate and a little voice cry out anew to life. For a moment, everything felt unimaginable. I was pregnant? I labored all those hours? And now there's an actual baby that would need me around the clock? Impossible!

After cutting the umbilical cord, I sat down and looked at my baby boy for the first time. I could barely think anything except WOW!. My son reached for my nipple instinctively and began sucking away as if his life depended on it - which it totally did. The first latch felt like thousands of tiny teeth piercing my flesh, but it also never felt more right.

Everyone cleaned me and the house up. I settled in my literal big girl diapers with my son. Ah! My son! I have a son! Omg, I have a son! My midwives were ready to go in an hour and for a moment I wanted to tell them to stay to tell me how to do this part.

But the fearful words wouldn't come out because, beyond my gut and intuition, I felt unshakable knowing that I'd know exactly what to do...