Dear Me (Before Baby)

For most of our life, we thought we didn’t want to have a child. We were about 98% sure it wasn’t for us, but that 2% expanded when we found the right partner.

Our reasons for not wanting a child back then were perfectly valid.

For one, we didn’t trust the world. It felt like it was mostly a depressing place and we didn’t want to consciously allow another being to live in this often bleak chaos. There were beautiful things about the world of course. Our partner, for instance, gave us hope that great people exist, but even he had a tough childhood.

For two, we were absolutely scared we’d be a terrible mother. Our models of motherhood weren’t perfect and we didn’t expect them to be per se, but when they made mistakes, it broke our hearts. We were scared of messing up, too.

For three, the thought of loving someone as deeply as a child was terrifying. I mean, TERRIFYING. When we imagined the thought of them being in pain or dying, we felt unraveled from head to heart to gut to feet. The bond, even in the mind, felt strong, strong enough to paralyze us from wanting motherhood.

And yet, despite these fear laced thoughts, we did, self. We had a child! We had to face our fears.

Back to one: the world stopped looking dark because we started working on our inner light. We stopped relying heavily on superheroes to save our damsel hearts and started the journey to becoming the protagonist of our life. Barely a year after giving birth, a pandemic happened. The whole world just about shut down. We wondered if our fears caused this. We trembled at the future for our son, but we remembered to turn our light up brighter, to shine a light on a path our son could take despite the world’s turmoil.

Back to two: we learned to accept we were going to mess some things up, but we didn’t let that stop us from working on ourselves. Passing on generational traumas stops with us. We will admit when we’re wrong. We will move with confidence and be a force of a mother any kid would ever need. Most importantly, everyone makes mistakes. It’s humility that changes everything.

Back to three: yeah, our heart can’t handle the attachment to our little one at times. He’s fabulous! The bond is so real! We literally don’t want to imagine life without our baby in it. And you know what? The thought haunts us at times and part of being a mom is worrying about the to-comes here and there, but we don’t let ourself be lost only in worry. We prepare as best we can for anything, but most importantly, we savor as many present moments as possible because no matter what, one day, everyone dies. So, we enjoy the gift that is knowing such a spectacular being could have chosen us as his mother.

We could have never dreamed of all the things motherhood would have brought us. Other mothers tried to tell us what to expect. Some of those things were easy to grasp, but others only made sense by experience.

So, we may not be ready then, but all that we ever did prepared us to be ready now. We will do much more than fine. We will break generational cycles that serve no purpose and create new ancestral connections. We will be - no, we are a perfect mother simply because we faced our fears and will continue to do so.

Thank you for enduring and growing.

With timeless love,

Me.