Threenager Phase: How to Handle Tough 3-Year-Old Behavior

A threenager is a 3-year-old who's acting like a moody teenager, going through a puberty of their own. 

What is the threenager phase?

"Threenager" isn't a medical term. It's what parents call the stretch around age 3 when a child starts acting like a moody teenager, with big feelings and a lot of "no."

There's a reason it happens. Three-year-olds are getting more independent, but they don't have the words or the self-control yet to handle frustration when things don't go their way. Being tired, hungry or sick makes it worse.

So how long does the threenager phase last? Tantrums usually start somewhere between 12 months and age 3. They become less frequent between ages 3 and 5 and are rare after 5. For most kids, things get easier as they learn to talk about their feelings, often around the time they start school.

I thought I was lucky. My son didn’t go through the famous “Terrible Twos” that most mommies speak ill of. He had always been an obedient toddler who listens to instructions and doesn’t throw tantrums. Then all of a sudden, he enters ‘puberty’ just before he’s turning Three (next month)! And I have to admit, it hasn’t been easy, so kudos to mommies who went through dealing with the Terrible Twos AND Threes.

Perhaps it was due to influence from his daycare mates; or perhaps it was because his little sister is about to be due soon; or perhaps we just spoiled him a little too much. But he’s been a handful lately - throwing tantrums when he couldn’t get his way, screaming and crying when he wants something, stubbornly insisting on certain things and being extra clingy! My little angel had turned into a very loud negotiator!

So how to deal with a Threenager?

To be honest, I’m not an expert. Like the rest of you here, I am learning and growing as well.

1. Stay as calm as you can

Two wrongs don't make a right. When my son is throwing his temper, it wouldn’t help if I’m going to be screaming at him too. It’ll just become a screaming competition. If you don’t have a good temper or patience yourself, get your partner to handle the threenager. Unfortunately for me, my husband is just another threenager (except that he’s turning 30!). So I’m always the one trying to settle my son, before my husband starts screaming at my son, and my house becomes a warzone.

2. Try to understand and communicate with them

When my son throws a fit, I always try to talk to him; distract him and calm him down. Toddlers are like little adults; they have their feelings and want to express them as well. And because they’re not as strong in communication (yet), they try to express themselves through their emotions. Most of the time, they just want to be comforted and coaxed.

3. Be consistent

Sometimes, the threenager doesn’t understand boundaries and it’s not their fault. Let us be real - everybody has different parenting styles, even between the husband and wife. When there is no consistency in educating your children, it confuses them. For example, Daddy allows TV while Mommy doesn’t - so would it be the child’s fault when he insists on watching TV and cries for it? He’ll probably be confused why Mommy doesn't give him screentime when Daddy always initiates TV sessions! Always make sure you and your partner are aligned on how you wish to handle your child.

4. Stand firm

I’ve mentioned earlier not to lose your temper, but that doesn’t mean to give in to your child’s demands when he is throwing tantrums. By doing so, you will be encouraging this negative behavior of tantrums each time he demands for something. He will be thinking that screaming and crying is an effective way to get what he wants; and will continue to do so each time he doesn’t get his way! 

5. Offer an alternative or solution

Instead of giving in, offer an alternative your child can say yes to. Two simple choices work well, as long as you're happy with either: "Do you want to brush your teeth before or after your bath?" or "Carrots or peas first?" Getting a say helps a 3-year-old feel more in control.

Rewards work best right after the behavior you want. That's how I toilet trained my son: he got a sticker every time he peed in his potty. Promising candy in the middle of a tantrum is different. That's a bribe, and it can teach your child that crying gets results.

Praise counts as a reward too, and it's free. Be specific: "You got into bed the first time I asked. Nice job!"

What to do in the middle of a meltdown

• Make sure everyone is safe. If your child is hitting, biting or throwing things, or is near a street, step in right away.
• Calm yourself first. Even three slow breaths help, and your child learns by watching you settle down. If you're about to snap, hand off to another adult if you can.
• Name the feeling: "You're angry your tower fell. It's okay to be angry, but we don't throw blocks.
• Skip the lecture. Threats and arguing tend to make tantrums worse. If your child is safe and not breaking anything, a little space can help it end sooner.
• Hold the limit. If you've said no, don't change your answer because the crying gets louder.
• When your child calms down, praise them for it, then talk about what happened.
• Don't spank, yell or shame. The American Academy of Pediatrics says these don't work well to change behavior and can do harm.

When to talk to your pediatrician

Most threenager behavior is a normal part of growing up. Check in with your child's doctor if:

• Tantrums are getting worse, or still happen often after age 4 or 5
• Tantrums often last longer than 15 minutes or happen several times a day
• Your child hurts themselves or someone else, or breaks things, during tantrums
• Your child holds their breath during tantrums, especially if they faint
• Tantrums come with other changes, like nightmares, toilet-training setbacks, headaches, stomachaches, anxiety, or refusing to eat or go to bed

Dealing with a child is never easy, whether they’re 3 months old or 3 years old. And worse, 13 years old! Don’t take it to heart if things don’t go perfectly your way. Parenting is not about perfecting; it’s about growing and learning together; you and your child. They’re only this small once, and in a blink of an eye, our feisty Threenagers are gonna grow up into teenagers for real. Treasure these moments and embrace them; be it good days or bad days!