The Moment I Became Mama

Post By KeaMommy: Brittany Cameron

The Moment I Became Mama

For years I prayed to have the title of "mama" me and my husband tried for six years and every single month when Mother Nature rolled around I would lay in my bed and cry for hours.

We lost a baby in that timeframe and a huge piece of me went with that lost angel. I had lost my identity. I forgot everything I loved and felt like I had no purpose.

August 23rd, 2017 I decided to take a   pregnancy test. (I took one monthly for six years) It was 7 am and I and my husband were both in the bathroom getting ready for work. I quickly peed on the stick and sat it on the counter. I watched the pee spread across the window and only one line appeared. I tossed it in the trash and gave my husband the look as I knew better. We both went on about our day and to work. When I got home from work I crashed on the couch and laid there scrolling Facebook.

An unexplainable feeling came over me an everything in me was urging me to go get my test out of the trash. I fought the urge until I couldn't any longer. I went to the trash and pulled it out whilst thinking this is stupid, why am I doing this to myself. IT WAS POSITIVE! I immediately took a photo and sent it to my sister in law. The line was very faint and very hard to see in photos. My next step was to post it on my infertility support group on Facebook. I explained the situation and 90% of the 126 comments was telling me, "It's an evaporation line, not valid." So I felt disappointed again. My head was going crazy thinking what if it isn't an Evap line. I went and bought 3 more test. ALL POSITIVE. So I hadn't called my husband after the first test cause it bothered him every time I would get both of our hopes up and swear I was pregnant. After four positive tests I decided to tell him. I called and gave him the news and he came home from work and asked me to take another in front of him.

We celebrated then panicked.

We had already lost one baby and Drs had advised us my body could never successfully carry a child. So I prayed. I prayed every single night for months. My pregnancy was not easy. I had severe sickness and stayed dehydrated. I was diagnosed with a Bicornuate uterus which makes it difficult to carry a child and can cause preterm labor. I was classified high risk and seen by three separate OBs. Around 4 months along they found I had a chorioamniotic separation. Meaning the membranes had not fused together to create a barrier to hold amniotic fluid in and it could result in preterm labor. I was told to just take it easy and be aware of any changes and seek a hospital if I feel something is wrong.

I cried the entire way home, the word preterm labor was a common theme with every appointment and every diagnosis I received. A few weeks later I was having some odd symptoms. I was leaking and felt like I was peeing on myself. Again I send pictures to my sister in law and she tells me it's just discharge and was normal.

As the night goes on I get another overwhelming feeling, telling me I needed to get to the hospital. Nothing was really bothering me or hurting me but I felt it in my gut that something was wrong. I told my husband to take me to be checked and we would come back home and fix dinner and clean out the soon to be nursery. We get to the hospital and they check me and run through all the routine stuff. Except it wasn't routine for someone only 25 weeks along. They immediately notice I'm dilated to a 1. They assure me it's fine and baby could still stay put til full term. They had the contraction monitors on me and saw none.

As the nurse was removing the monitors and preparing my discharge paperwork and notes for bed rest, my belly got real hard on one side. I laughed and told her "my daughter has been rolling in a ball all week." The nurses face turned white, she explained it wasn't my daughter moving it was contractions and the monitor was in the wrong spot and wasn't reading them. After adjusting they saw I was having contractions after all and very big ones about 2 minutes apart. Not good for 25 weeks. They check me again and the nurse takes off running out of the room without saying a word to me. My husband chases her down asking what's wrong. They could feel my daughter! She was moving into the birth canal and was breech.

The hospital I was at was not equipped for a birth in this situation so they call an ambulance. I'm hysterical and a mess. The nurses kept questioning how I didn't know I was having contractions and I got snappy and said "everyone told me watch for them but I've never experienced them and had no clue what to look for, and I'm not hurting at all it's just pressure." Within minutes I'm surrounded by a triage team, starting IVs, catheters, asking questions to prepare me for surgery if that's how the night ends, etc. One of the medicines put in my IV was Magnesium. I've never in my life been put through something so miserable. They told me it would make me feel like crap but it was much worse than that. I began screaming hysterically for a nurse because my throat was on fire and I couldn't breathe. It felt like I was locked in an oven from the inside out. My blood was burning in my veins. I wasn't allowed fluids so when the nurses left the room I forced my husband to give me a drink of his pop.

The ambulance arrives and takes me 1.5 hours away from home to a bigger more advanced hospital. They check me in and get me settled. It's around 5am at this point and the Dr comes in to explain what's going on inside my body. My cervix had began to funnel, meaning I was dilated to a 2.5 checking from the outside but on the other side it was wide open and fully ready for labor. Imagine a V and I had 0.9cm space holding her in. So I was put on strict bedrest. I stayed in the hospital for almost two weeks. I hadn't progressed any and wasn't having any contractions so the drs were talking about sending me home on bedrest as long as nothing changed.

The very next morning I woke up at 7:36 the big digital clock in front of my bed was the first thing I looked at. I woke up and thought I'd peed myself. I get up and head off to the bathroom and something is absolutely gushing out of me. I still thought it was pee. I reach the toilet and pull down my pjs and blood, blood was everywhere. I screamed for my husband who was asleep on the chair next to my hospital bed and he was in the doorway within seconds. He pulled the emergency cord that I hadn't even thought about.

Everything from my waist down was covered in blood and dripping onto the floor. The nurse comes rushing and get the dr. They ask me to get back to the bed so they can check me. The nurse asked me if I was "still peeing" when I told her I wasn't peeing at all what she heard was blood pouring. Clots the size of my fists were passing and my heart stopped I truly thought it was my baby with each one. I get back to bed and get checked and they search for my babies heartbeat, after the longest two minutes of my life, we heard that sweet sound. I hadn't dilated anymore. They take me from the antenatal dept to the labor and delivery unit. The on call dr wanted to monitor me and see if the bleeding would stop, thankfully my dr called back and told them to get me into surgery immediately. I had to go alone because of the emergency situation and be put to sleep.

When they moved me to the operating table I just cried for my husband, and for God to stay with us and save my baby. I looked over at the bed I had just moved from and the blood was from my neck to my ankles, I was bleeding out and fast. The surgeon was trying to calm me down when he saw I was in a panic, he stroked my hair and told me to just stay strong and he would put me under in a few minutes. He talked to me until I drifted off. I woke up in a completely different room than any I'd been in the entire two weeks. My mother in law was standing at my feet and my husband was gripping my hand, he had been crying so I was scared. Before I could even get the words out he said "she's okay, they said she is teeny tiny but she came out crying and is strong." That's exactly what I needed to hear right then.

A little while later they came in and explained my daughter had to be moved to another more advanced hospital and they were working with the hospital to make room for me to go with her. Shortly after they come in the room pushing a clear box. Inside was the most beautiful and most terrifying thing I'd ever seen.

My baby girl. I couldn't sit up so I could barely see her small face. I stuck my finger in and she grasped it as hard as she could. I felt like she was telling me I'm okay mama. It was the scariest site to see her tiny 2lb body covered in wires and monitors. The medical equipment attached to her was bigger than her. I stared at her in amazement. She was so little but I could tell she was so fierce. I had prayed for this exact moment for years. Maybe not in this situation but that didn't matter at the moment. Because that was the moment I got the title "MAMA" ️

Stay tuned for my next blog entry "Life in the Nicu"